Trying Rebel
"So," she said moving away, "now you know how badly someone wanted you, Charley. Children forget that sometimes. They think of themselves as a burden instead of a wish granted."
- Mitch Albom, For One More Day
that made me start rethinking.
i'm about to step out of my teenage years, and all that i was thinking recently was to disappont myself with all that effort my parents put up for me.
and at some point, i was not satisfied.
i believe i was a good son, a really good one. i get good grades and kept my name in the honors list. i join and win in contests, plus i'm active in my organizations where some of those i'm an officer. come to think of it, i could be any parents' dream come true.
my only problem is: i felt that all my hard work was not that appreciated.
the moment the family hears the good news i've got, mostly i'd hear, "Wow! Ang galing naman!"
...and it ends there.
i've got siblings who are looking for attention, too. everyone knows that among all of us, i'm the one that is gifted with the brains. "ang pinakamatalino sa magkakapatid." they would excel in other areas like in sports or music, or sadly not at all. but even with our big differences, we are all treated the same and fairly.
until i got a lot older. and thoughts now seem to be more mature, observing and disappointing.
maybe because i'm a middle child. maybe because our eldest didn't make it through college, had a family too soon, and struggles. maybe because the youngest always throws that tantrum just to achieve that extra and special attention, always jealous and clamoring. maybe because my other siblings had problems and stories of their own to be listened to.
maybe because everyone thinks that since i'm pinakamautak, i'd be the most understanding. "alam ko namang maiintindihan. mas kailangan kasi ng kapatid mo..." "hayaan mo na, sige na, ngayon lang naman naging ganyan kapatid mo," "pagpasensyahan mo na, bata pa lang..."
later they'd be the ones who'd choose my course and then my career because they strongly believe it'll do me really good with my skills even though i had the slightest idea what would become of me. later they'd choose the school i should go to. and on the other hand, they have the full support to one of us who's planning to become a soldier. the heck with it...
patience. understanding. all my hard-earned victories are easily overthrown by these rants and child-spoiling scenarios. it's as if problems are easier to notice and get attention. a minute after i'm congratulated, they instantly come running for a brother who's stomping his way out. worse, he gets the bigger reward. of course, they'd expect me to understand!
i get the good grades, but they want me on top. i get the medal for speech, but they would scold me for not coaching a sister to her spelling bee. i pass at outstanding universities but they want my brain used elsewhere. and whenever i would do something error, i'd get the worst sermon. everyday, it's harder to satisfy them. just because they think i'm special doesn't mean i have to be that super special. it sickens me...
i was coming up with my what-ifs. what if i start dropping out of my subjects? what if i walk out violently when i'm denied of something i want, lock myself in the room or just go out of the house and stay over at a friend's just to get away with the frustration. what if i'd shout back and say, "no, i don't want to understand. i'm your son!"
in fact, the damn best they got. my pride is taking over now. and if everyone is talking about fairness, then they should give me the treatment i deserve. i've been good at everything they want me to. i've sacrificed a lot of things just to follow their orders. i deserve more because of all my efforts just to please them.
i'm tired of being the one who has to understand my siblings. i'm tired of giving way to them. i'm tired of being forced into situations they think i could handle that well. i'm tired of being expected too much from me to do a lot better, to exceed the standards.
i'm tired of being pulled like a marionette. i feel like i'm controlled to everything that i do. i can't even seek my own happiness. i'm contained in small-spaced room where the responsibility of being a mature brother is bestowed on me. it seems i have no escape to this fate i've brought myself.
unless i break free from the bonds. i must get out and away from them. release myself from the ball and chain of that hideous understanding. i'd sacrifice at my own will.
i decided to become a rebel.
and there'll be no easy transition. i will drop my mask, and show the world who i really wanted to be. i will show my parents what become of me because of their blindness.
the world is unfair, alright.
...until i've read that book. and it got me thinking through.
it's hard being a child situated in a complicated world where it's difficult to make an unusual move. but it's harder being a parent who has to worry about everything and everyone.
suddenly, i realized all i wanted was for them to be happy for me. but i wanted to be happy for myself, too.
...i stopped typing and cried.
to the Tune of: Don't Throw It All Away [Jerome Rico]
by the Texts of: Apt Pupil [Stephen King]
with the Scenes of: Prince of Tennis 176
Posted by Kerwin George Dimagiba Fortes at 03:00 PM | Wishing for More